50 Years

Approaching fifty
People say you’re still a baby
I don’t feel like a baby
I feel privileged to have made it this far
I feel all the struggles
I feel all the pain
I feel all the growing
I feel like a woman with accomplishments
I feel like a woman deserving respect
I feel like a woman who is acknowledging
Another year come and gone
I feel proud of who I have become
I feel proud of who I am becoming
I look forward to the future
I look backward to the past
Seeking the turning points
Seeking the defining moments
Seeking the little things
Seeking the big things
That move me to where I am
So please don’t dismiss my incredulity
Please don’t dismiss my feelings of age
Please don’t dismiss me as still a baby
Please just don’t dismiss me
Because I feel
And I seek
And I reflect
Help me remember
That time when
Joy overflowed
Sadness engulfed
We connected
We loved
We laughed
We cried
We Lived
Help me celebrate 50 years of life
Help me celebrate 50 years of love
Help me celebrate 50 years of feeling
Help me celebrate 50 years

Rest, Retreat, Reflect - I don't have time for this...or is it that I lack faith?

It's been kind of a tough time for me over the last week or more.  I'm closing out one part of my life and opening another one.  Change, whatever it might be, always brings with it anxiety.  Some of the anxiety is good. For instance, trying to decide whether to buy a class ring and what kind you should get to mark the completion of graduate school is a good kind of anxiety.  Knowing that finishing up one class will take you away from a ministry experience that has been tough and rewarding is a (sorta) bad kind of anxiety.  Wondering where you are going to get the nearly $1500 to pay for your insulin for next month is yet another and really bad kind of anxiety.

We, as Christians, are called to remember our faith. While we work toward solving the problems like finances, we are still called to have faith that God will provide.  In the midst of the panic and stress, we often find it hard to hear God calling us and comforting us.  My problem is finding my way into silence and peace.  I'm in a class where we are studying Merton's New Seeds of Contemplation and I am struggling to settle enough to embrace the concepts that he is describing. 

Because I can't find my way into this contemplative place, I find myself snapping at people and taking offense at things that really I should just ignore.  I have known that certain folks in my life will never provide me with the respect that they show to strangers. Something is going on there and has been for years.  I have learned to deal with it but right now it is really getting on my nerves. I'm frustrated with the cable company. I'm irritated that my order from Amazon is at least 2 days delayed. I'm struggling with my anger over paying an exorbitant fee for overnight shipping with Cokesbury for items I needed for Ash Wednesday and having them show up a week later and the day after I needed them.

All of these things are keeping me from a connection with God because of my stress.  So I'm going to take a step back from just about everything and see if I can connect again.  I need to reconnect in a way that is stronger than ever.  Do you need some time to retreat and reflect? The lectionary reading this week has us looking at Romans and talking about faith:  

Rom 4:20-25  No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God,  (21)  being fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.  (22)  Therefore his faith 'was reckoned to him as righteousness.'  (23)  Now the words, 'it was reckoned to him', were written not for his sake alone,  (24)  but for ours also. It will be reckoned to us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead,  (25)  who was handed over to death for our trespasses and was raised for our justification.

 Bolstering my faith is about being fully convinced that God is able to do what God has promised - God is able and willing to provide all that I need. All that WE need.  This includes the space to retreat and reflect and grow ever closer to our Creator.  Amen