On my mind

Kelly on my mind
Cecil on my mind
Randall on my mind

If we kill people
For killing people,
Should we rape people
For raping people?

Or beat people
For beating people?

Destroy more property
For destroying property?

Take an eye
For an eye?

Do we retaliate
Or rehabilitate?

Are we protecting ourselves
Or punishing others?

Does violence
Beget violence?

Does peace
Beget peace?

I wonder

I pray

Amen

Today

Today
I drove through rain and wind
I got angry
I got sad
I got scared
I got better

Today
I led worship
I got nervous
I got convicted
I got forgiven
I got to sing

Today
I was running behind
I fixed my WiFi
I fixed printer connection
I fixed insufficient ink
I fixed my mind on God

Today
I lived life
I got up
I got showered
I got dressed
I got things done

Today
While frustrating at times
Was a productive day
Was an educational day
Was a contemplative day
Was a good day

50 Years

Approaching fifty
People say you’re still a baby
I don’t feel like a baby
I feel privileged to have made it this far
I feel all the struggles
I feel all the pain
I feel all the growing
I feel like a woman with accomplishments
I feel like a woman deserving respect
I feel like a woman who is acknowledging
Another year come and gone
I feel proud of who I have become
I feel proud of who I am becoming
I look forward to the future
I look backward to the past
Seeking the turning points
Seeking the defining moments
Seeking the little things
Seeking the big things
That move me to where I am
So please don’t dismiss my incredulity
Please don’t dismiss my feelings of age
Please don’t dismiss me as still a baby
Please just don’t dismiss me
Because I feel
And I seek
And I reflect
Help me remember
That time when
Joy overflowed
Sadness engulfed
We connected
We loved
We laughed
We cried
We Lived
Help me celebrate 50 years of life
Help me celebrate 50 years of love
Help me celebrate 50 years of feeling
Help me celebrate 50 years

Rest, Retreat, Reflect - I don't have time for this...or is it that I lack faith?

It's been kind of a tough time for me over the last week or more.  I'm closing out one part of my life and opening another one.  Change, whatever it might be, always brings with it anxiety.  Some of the anxiety is good. For instance, trying to decide whether to buy a class ring and what kind you should get to mark the completion of graduate school is a good kind of anxiety.  Knowing that finishing up one class will take you away from a ministry experience that has been tough and rewarding is a (sorta) bad kind of anxiety.  Wondering where you are going to get the nearly $1500 to pay for your insulin for next month is yet another and really bad kind of anxiety.

We, as Christians, are called to remember our faith. While we work toward solving the problems like finances, we are still called to have faith that God will provide.  In the midst of the panic and stress, we often find it hard to hear God calling us and comforting us.  My problem is finding my way into silence and peace.  I'm in a class where we are studying Merton's New Seeds of Contemplation and I am struggling to settle enough to embrace the concepts that he is describing. 

Because I can't find my way into this contemplative place, I find myself snapping at people and taking offense at things that really I should just ignore.  I have known that certain folks in my life will never provide me with the respect that they show to strangers. Something is going on there and has been for years.  I have learned to deal with it but right now it is really getting on my nerves. I'm frustrated with the cable company. I'm irritated that my order from Amazon is at least 2 days delayed. I'm struggling with my anger over paying an exorbitant fee for overnight shipping with Cokesbury for items I needed for Ash Wednesday and having them show up a week later and the day after I needed them.

All of these things are keeping me from a connection with God because of my stress.  So I'm going to take a step back from just about everything and see if I can connect again.  I need to reconnect in a way that is stronger than ever.  Do you need some time to retreat and reflect? The lectionary reading this week has us looking at Romans and talking about faith:  

Rom 4:20-25  No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God,  (21)  being fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.  (22)  Therefore his faith 'was reckoned to him as righteousness.'  (23)  Now the words, 'it was reckoned to him', were written not for his sake alone,  (24)  but for ours also. It will be reckoned to us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead,  (25)  who was handed over to death for our trespasses and was raised for our justification.

 Bolstering my faith is about being fully convinced that God is able to do what God has promised - God is able and willing to provide all that I need. All that WE need.  This includes the space to retreat and reflect and grow ever closer to our Creator.  Amen

Listening and White Privilege

It is Tuesday evening and I've been thinking all day about Ferguson, MO.  I've been on Facebook reading, listening, commenting and thinking.  I come here to work on my blog post today and I really just want to talk about something besides Ferguson. I want to see something besides arguments about the validity of rioting. I truly want to stop seeing the quotes from major civil rights leaders of the past that are STILL appropriate today, over 50 years later.

I want to stop hearing about all of it because it is too horrible. I don't want to see the pictures because it is too heartbreaking. Then I understand that my wish is only possible because I have white privilege.  I can turn off the TV, radio, and the computer and ignore what is happening because I don't have to live in fear.

A friend of mine was stopped by an officer for having a light out on her car. She was treated well and spoken to respectfully.  She commented on how she may have reacted differently to the stop, were she a person of color. She recognized her white privilege.

I've often talked about my frustrations at people who don't understand what it is like to get around in a wheelchair.  I get angry at the lack of enforcement of the ADA with regard to accessibility at public locations/institutions.  I've only been aware of this type of marginalization for a few years.  I can't imagine how it must be to have lived with this kind of anger and hurt for my entire life.

So I want to apologize to my friends of color. I don't know what you are going through.  I don't understand what it is like to be you. I don't even know if what I am doing to combat racism is working. I don't know if it is the best way to help.

I'm listening. I'm searching for and finding many wonderful voices and I'm listening.  Please forgive me for the times I haven't listened and for wanting to stop listening today. Please don't stop talking.

What can we do?

Earlier this evening the news came that Officer Darren Wilson would not be indicted with regard to the shooting of Michael Brown in Ferguson, MO. I am at a loss for words.  I'm afraid that saying anything will be the wrong thing and that saying nothing will signify acquiescence.

Let me first say that I have deliberately avoided listening to the variety of "eye-witness" reports. I also didn't listen to the litany of actions taken by Wilson. I don't know whether the grand jury did a good thing or not.  I don't know what the evidence says.  What I do know is that people are hurting in a big way. I also know that there are many who are seeing the grand jury's refusal to indict as a victory to be celebrated. What cannot be disputed in this situation is that Michael Brown is dead and a family continues to grieve as the nation looks on.

A friend - Crystal Lewis - posted this on her FB wall:

"At the end of his press conference, McCulloch said Michael Brown's case "opened old wounds" because he does not realize: These wounds are open for some of us every single day. These wounds are only "old" to those who own the privilege of occasionally forgetting what it really means to live in a country where a racial hierarchy exists. The wounds bleed non-stop, like new, for folks who live daily as minorities in our country. These are not "old" wounds. Old wounds heal. We have a long way to go before real healing can be embraced. With that, I'm going to bed. God, help America."

There is so much here that we need to hear.  These wounds are not healed and every day they are getting reopened. I'm at a loss, however. I am wondering, what can we do?

I just don't know.  We've got to change minds and attitudes before we will be able to change systems. That is not to say we shouldn't be working on both right now, we should do all we can in every way we can.  Perhaps the first thing is to stop and listen ourselves.  I don't know how healing can be achieved. I'm not exactly sure I know what healing has to happen. Why in the world do I think I can come up with the answers?  I'm not the one marginalized in this situation, I need to hear from those who are. I need to hear what they need from me.

So, my fellow white folks, let's stop trying to tell everyone what the solution is and listen for people of color to tell us what they need.  After all, they've been trying to do so for over a century.

Gleanings, leftovers and making our neighbors a priority...

As I left this morning, it was overcast but not yet raining.  I set up my GPS, plugged in my Kindle and got the new GoPro camera all ready to record. As of today, I have been serving this little church in Pine Bluff, AR for a year.

First Cumberland Presbyterian Church

I started as intermittent pulpit supply on the Sunday after Thanksgiving in 2013. I became the sole supply in March of this year and was officially recognized as stated supply in September. It's been a great learning experience and I've had a fantastic time!

I know how to get to the church and to get home but I use my GPS for a variety of reasons.  I like knowing how much farther I have to go and whether I'm on track to arrive on time.  The added bonus is finding different routes to come home. At a minimum, the trip is 3 hours in one direction.

Today there was a delay on the interstate due to construction. That last part is a guess, but construction delays are what caused me to begin looking for alternate routes in the first place.  My GPS alerted me to the delay and offered a shorter route home.

This route took me through quite a lot of farmland. I drove through rain and was struck by the complete transformation of the scenery over the last couple of weeks.  The rain and cold have taken their toll and the majority of the trees are now bare of leaves.

I had expected to see flocks of little black birds which swoop and dive in waves across the sky. I was hoping to catch some of these flights with my new GoPro video camera.  Because of the rain, however, the birds were mostly grounded. There were several fields filled with large white geese and small black birds.  Hundreds of birds had descended on these fields and I can only imagine that they are taking advantage of the abundance left after harvest.

This brought to mind the idea of gleaning that we read about in the Old Testament. God gave instruction to Moses saying:

Lev 23:22  When you reap the harvest of your land, you shall not reap to the very edges of your field, or gather the gleanings of your harvest; you shall leave them for the poor and for the alien: I am the LORD your God.

During this week of Thanksgiving, many of us will find ourselves with an abundance of food. Are we working to find ways to share this abundance?  Are we, instead of leaving just gleanings to the poor, offering our best?  Today's lectionary Gospel reading from Matthew challenged us to see Christ in the hungry, thirsty, naked, imprisoned and the stranger.  If we see Christ in the "other", then shouldn't we be offering the best rather than just the leftovers?  What about our "leftover" time or money. Caring for and loving our neighbor means that we must not relegate them to being just an afterthought.  How are you making your neighbor a priority?